NEW YORK – In a groundbreaking study released by the Institute of Parental Suffering (IPS) on Tuesday, researchers have found that parents across the globe lose the equivalent of three months of sleep annually due to the time spent waiting for their children to put their shoes on.
The in-depth research, aptly titled “Lacing Up Loss: A Comprehensive Study of Parental Sleep Deprivation,” analyzed 3,000 families across six continents and found that, on average, parents spent 1.5 hours per day—or approximately 16 full days per year—waiting for their children to get their shoes on and tied correctly. When scaled across the average parental lifespan, this amounts to almost 3 years of lost time.
The head researcher, Dr. Harold Napperski, shared, “The time commitment of shoe-tying is a silent epidemic among parents. We’re not just talking about regular shoes. Rain boots, soccer cleats, ballet slippers—it’s a foot-covering catastrophe.”
The study discovered that the primary culprits in this time drain are factors such as wrong feet placement, mismatched pairs, forgotten socks, untied laces, and the perennial favorite—shoes magically disappearing moments before leaving the house.
Parents have responded to the study with a mixture of shock and resignation. Felicity Jones, a mother of three, commented, “Well, this explains why I always feel like a sleep-deprived zombie. Who knew my children’s shoes were the real monsters under the bed?”
In an unexpected twist, the study also highlighted that the time spent waiting increased exponentially in homes with multiple children. “It’s not a linear progression,” Dr. Napperski added. “With each additional child, the time spent waiting doesn’t just double or triple. It increases by the square. Two kids mean four times the waiting. Three kids mean nine times. It’s shoe chaos.”
To combat this global issue, the IPS has recommended that shoe companies begin an initiative to make all children’s shoes slip-on. Additionally, they have suggested that governments consider allocating funding to research the disappearance of children’s shoes, a phenomenon that to date has baffled scientists and parents alike.
In a particularly forward-thinking proposal, one parent suggested “a national shoeless day. Let’s reclaim our time from the tyranny of laces and Velcro!”
In the meantime, the IPS has urged parents to invest in a good coffee maker, stock up on patience, and always have a spare pair of shoes ready. They remind all parents, “You’re not alone. The struggle is, indeed, very real.”
Future research by the IPS is expected to delve into other significant time-sucks in parents’ lives, including, but not limited to, coaxing kids to eat vegetables, searching for lost toys, and untangling the mystery of the never-ending laundry.
