NEW YORK – St. Pius XII Memorial Hospital has filed for bankruptcy following a shocking discovery by the local mom group, “Karen’s Kitchen Klub”, of the miraculous properties of colloidal silver. The moms, infamous in their neighborhood for their uncanny ability to cure minor ailments with just a dash of lavender oil or a spoonful of apple cider vinegar, have outdone themselves with this breakthrough.
“We always knew essential oils were just the beginning,” shared Karen Smith, the group’s founder and chief potion mixer. “But, who would have thought we’d stumble upon a solution that could cure everything from a common cold to, apparently, the existential dread of modern existence? It’s as if we’ve unlocked the secrets of the philosopher’s stone, minus the immortality part…or maybe that’s next week’s discovery.”
Indeed, the kitchen-turned-laboratory moms swear by the benefits of colloidal silver, attributing their children’s perfect attendance records, unusually high GPAs, and sudden resistance to any forms of embarrassment, to this cure-all elixir.
“We’ve always been suspicious about big pharma,” said Cindy Johnson, the Klub’s social media strategist and conspiracy theory curator. “But the more we talked about colloidal silver on our Facebook group, the healthier we became. My 15-year-old, who is always too embarrassed to be seen with me in public, is now immune to it. It’s a miracle!”
According to St. Pius XII Memorial Hospital’s financial records, admissions have plummeted since the Klub’s discovery, crippling the hospital’s revenue stream. A hospital representative, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented, “It’s been a disaster. Last week we had three people come in – two were just looking for directions, and the other was a pharmaceutical rep who couldn’t take a hint.”
“Even our hypochondriacs are healing themselves,” the representative continued. “Mrs. Jones, who used to visit thrice a week, claiming her left pinkie toe was suffering from a rare tropical disease, hasn’t been seen in weeks. Apparently, a teaspoon of colloidal silver daily keeps the hospital away.”
Despite this crisis, not everyone sees the hospital’s demise as a negative outcome. Dr. Derek Goodwood, a disgruntled hospital staffer, added, “On the bright side, I’m no longer on first-name basis with the local malingerers, and my workload has plummeted. But I did catch myself missing Mrs. Jones’s dramatics the other day, so I had to take a moment to question my life choices.”
Meanwhile, the Karens of the Kitchen Klub are reveling in their newfound fame, promising more groundbreaking revelations in the realm of home remedies. “Next up, we’re experimenting with a concoction of beetroot juice and coconut water, designed to boost IQ and emotional intelligence,” teased Karen Smith. “Who knows? Maybe we can solve world peace with this.”
