GREENVILLE, SC — In a Father’s Day event more dramatic than your average soap opera, local resident Stan Horowitz, 48, self-diagnosed an unsettling bout of heartburn as an emotional eruption, and announced this day was “hitting different.”
Neighbors and passersby watched agog as Horowitz, a man renowned for the emotional range of a garden gnome, found himself clutching his chest after the traditional Father’s Day feast. As his face turned ashen, and he slumped into his La-Z-Boy throne, he murmured in a tone of awe, “So this is what they mean by feelings.”
“I just don’t get it,” stammered Horowitz, trying to reposition his bulk in a chair that had seen less ‘World’s Best Dad’ and more ‘World’s Best Buffet.’ “I look out at my kids frolicking, my wife giggling, and suddenly there’s this… this… constriction. I thought, ‘Jeez, Father’s Day must have upgraded its emotional artillery this year’.”
Ignoring his wife’s observation that his symptoms might be linked to the mountain of ribs, ocean of potato chips, and cellar of beer he had consumed, Horowitz declared, “No, Sharon, it’s not indigestion, it’s an indigestion of love.”
In attendance was local pediatrician, Dr. Emily Andrews, who was guilt-tripped into the invite because her son, Tommy, is trapped in the same T-ball team as Horowitz’s young slugger. Offering a diagnosis free of the usual consultation fee, she calmly stated, “Stan, it’s called acid reflux. It’s a condition often found in walruses, and people who eat like walruses,” she suggested, tossing him an economy-size bottle of antacids, a standard addition to her handbag for such emergencies.
Despite the crushing reality check, Horowitz retired to the sanctuary of his porch to ponder his alleged emotional ‘journey,’ sip a calming herbal tea, and pop antacids like they were Father’s Day candies.
As the sun set on his day of ‘deep feels,’ Horowitz announced he’d cherish this newfound annual custom by asking for an antacid cake next Father’s Day. You know, in case the feelings decided to assault him again.
